


Outro: Long Journey

by Jaemins_smile



Series: It's okay to be hurt [4]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Bottom Choi San, Eating Disorders, Forced Relationship, Getting Back Together, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, San deserves better and that's what he got :D, Self-Acceptance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23041864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaemins_smile/pseuds/Jaemins_smile
Summary: He was doing great now that Wooyoung was gone, better than he ever had in his life.He felt like he could finally breath fresh air, he could finally move on with his life and stop dwelling on the past.And that's what he did, he started moving forward, he started running forward to his finish line, heart set on starting a new life.
Relationships: Choi San/Kim Kyungmoon | Maddox
Series: It's okay to be hurt [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1608328
Kudos: 27





	Outro: Long Journey

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings! Implied self harm and eating disorders, forced relationship and sex. It sounds a lot worse than it will actually be i promise.

San hadn't been home in days, whenever he needed things from the house he would ask Mingi to get it.

He didn't want to see Wooyoung at all, he didn't want to be anywhere near the younger, he was still too upset. 

He knew he was being a bit overdramatic but what Wooyoung did to him was unacceptable, Maddox made him realize this. 

It took the man that abused him in the past to make him realize that his current relationship wasn't going all to well. 

Could he even call it a relationship? Were they over after San had thrown the ring at Wooyoung? Or was he being paranoid? 

Maybe he should talk to Wooyoung....

But then again, why would he want to talk to the man who has been hurting him so badly recently? 

It made no sense to go back to him. 

If Wooyoung wanted to fix things between them, he knew where and how to find San. 

A week and a half passed, still no Wooyoung 

San felt like he was a drug addict going through withdrawals, like his body couldn't function without Wooyoung. He didn't know how. 

Maddox made things easier, so did all of his other friends. 

Everyone thought it was dumb for him to let Maddox into his life again but San didn't, he loved Maddox and he loved San, they always have loved each other, they used to be best friends

He was there for San in ways other people couldn't be, he knew exactly what San went through, better than Wooyoung even. 

He was part of it all, he was hurting San and himself back then. 

They loved each other back then and wanted to be together more than anything in the world, they just wanted to go at their pace, not at San's parents pace. 

They forced them into a relationship, forced them to do things neither of them wanted to but ultimately they couldn't deny San's parents of anything. 

They both came from abusive homes and if Maddox fucked up at San's home his dad would relay everything that happened to Maddox's parents and he would get beat. 

What other choice did they have? 

They both sat on the edge of the bed, unmoving, they didn't want to do this, neither of them were ready for it. 

It was gross and awful but neither of them wanted to get hurt so they did what they had to do. 

"Can we please just get this over with?" Maddox asked quietly. 

He was an entirely different person when they were away from San's parents, he was the man San fell in love with. 

San nodded his head sadly and moved to Maddox's lap. "I'm sorry." He whispered in his ear and hugged him tightly. 

He then moved to kiss his lips, Maddox of course happily returned it, being able to actually kiss San was a miracle. 

Their kiss never turned heated, not even when Maddox gripped San's hips as the younger rubbed their clothed cocks together. 

Not even when Maddox finally laid San down on the bed and stripped their clothes off. 

"I'm sorry San." He kissed San's forehead as tears silently dropped onto his face, Maddox felt awful about this, this isn't how he wanted to spend their first time together, not under these circumstances, not here, not like this, he wanted it to be special for San, especially since he would be taking his virginity. 

"Don't cry please." San whispered, his voice frail and vulnerable, shaking as he tried to keep his tears in. 

Neither of them wanted this. They were both still so young. San didn't want this yet. 

He hated his parents for doing this to them. 

In the past weeks he had been thinking back on his past, it all seemed to hurt less now that he has finally come to terms with everything. 

San was feeling okay, something he has never felt. He was happy, genuinely happy. 

He finally got a new job as a receptionist of all things, it gave an amazing pay, everyone that worked with him was so nice and acknowledged him and treated him like a actual person. 

He rented out his own apartment, a pretty nice studio apartment, he was proud of himself. 

He was starting fresh, he would finish college in a year and then he'd be able to pursue his dream and make a real life for himself. 

One he was happy with. 

He would find someone who really loved him, and wouldn't hurt him for already being hurt, someone he would be happy to come home too, someone he could start a family with. 

Someone he loved. 

Things honestly couldn't be better for him right now, and he wasn't scared things would be ruined again. He had faith that his life was turned around and that it would stay that way. 

Hence the reason he got the year tattooed across his ribs. This year had been the absolute worst the first few months but then it turned into the greatest year of his life. 

A year he would look back on with a smile, a year he could look back on and say, "I made it through that." 

He was finally understanding what it was like to love himself for who he was, finally learning to accept his flaws for all they were. 

He was learning to love all of his scars and pain and see them as something beautiful. 

They showed all he's been through, they showed that he was beat, abused, and hurt, his whole life and he was still there, they were beautiful and were a part of him, they showed a large part of his life and he wasn't ashamed of them anymore. 

He was going to therapy regularly again, he was getting the help he needed. He found new ways to cope with his demons, ways that wouldn't hurt him or anyone else. 

San really loved life for the first time in so long, it was a beautiful feeling, something he could get used to for sure. 

He was finally seeing the good in himself not the bad, he was seeing the beautiful and amazing things about himself that were always there, they just needed a bit of shining.

He finally found the life that was worth living. 

He started moving forward, he started running forward, he was moving on with his life again, he wasn't dwelling anymore. 

He reached his finish line. 

His finish was with his friends, with his newly adopted cat Byeol, with Maddox, with his amazing job, his amazing home, his amazing self. 

Without his parents, without Wooyoung. 

As much as he hated to admit it, Wooyoung was one of the things holding him back in life, preventing San from moving on and loving himself. 

He still loved Wooyoung, of course he did, just not how he used to. 

Wooyoung was his soulmate, he would never be with him again, but the love was sure as hell there still and it always would be, and that's okay. 

He no longer needed Wooyoung, and Wooyoung didn't need San. 

They would both be better off without each other, they deserved better than each other. 

San knew who he wanted, who he loved more than anyone in the world, he never stopped loving them. 

"San, listen to me." Maddox cupped San's face gently and looked at him with the saddest eyes San had ever seen. 

"I love you. I always have. I don't want to do these things to you, but I have to if I don't want to see you get beat. I'm so sorry I can't help you." He sobbed and laid his head on San's chest. 

"Please San, don't hurt yourself anymore, I'm sorry. I won't hurt you anymore I promise, just don't hurt yourself. I'm going to leave and I'm going to stop hurting you, I promise." He took in a deep shuddering breath and kissed the spot where San's heart was faintly beating. 

"Please just pull through, I can't live In a world without you in it. I'm so sorry for hurting you San, I love you so much." He kissed San's lips so softly he could barely feel it. 

San could only faintly register what he was saying, and could barely see him through his blury eyes. 

San mumbled something incoherent and twitched his fingers in reply to the older. 

"Can you hear me?" 

San mumbled again, he heard Maddox sob and move closer to him, "Hi, San." 

He felt fingers in his hair and turned his head to the side to fell more of them, "I love you San, don't forget that. I'm so sorry I can't save you. Goodbye Sanie, I love you so much." He whispered in his ear and then pressed a gentle kiss to his hair and then he was gone, all that was left was the faint beeping of the heart monitor.

Him and Maddox had been getting a lot closer, had been spending a lot of time together, it was just like when they were a lot younger. 

Before they were together. 

They'd already agreed to try things out again, Maddox had been courting San, and things were going better than they had with Wooyoung. 

Maddox treated San with care, love, and affection, he looked at San like he had hung the stars. 

San sensed no anger in his eyes or the way he moved or spoke, only care and love. 

When they finally made love he made sure San was okay with everything they did before he continued, he took such good care of San that the younger had ended up crying. 

He had allowed San to hold his hands as they made love, something Wooyoung never allowed. 

He felt more safe and loved in Maddox's arms then he had in his whole life. 

Maybe he was just saying that cause he was in love but who cares? 

As long as he was okay now and his relationship was going okay he didn't care about that. 

Maybe in the long run they wouldn't work but for now Maddox is all San needed, well, not all he needed. 

That's one thing he learned from Wooyoung, to not rely to much on his significant other. 

But he felt like this time around he could rely on his significant other, he trusted Maddox. 

He helped San through his worst moments, he could talk San down better than even Wooyoung could. 

He was now going on three months clean, cutting and throwing up. The longest he's ever gone. 

He hadn't been in the hospital since he was with Wooyoung, that alone was proof enough San and Wooyoung did not have a healthy relationship.

He found it easier and easier every day to get up in the morning, it didn't take as much will power anymore 

He still had his bad times but they were getting easier and less frequent. 

Maddox was good for him, he wasn't like Wooyoung, he actually trusted San enough to talk about his problems and it made San feel good inside to know that. 

His friends accepted Maddox eventually and they got along with him pretty well, they were just happy to see San doing good and happy, they were glad to see San with a genuine smile on his face and a genuine laugh to go with it. 

He was better, mostly anyways. And he would continue to get better and stay on this good path of life as long as he had his amazing boyfriend and friends by his side. 

Life was good. He was good

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, sorry this one is so short, I'm having some issues right now and it's really hard to write so this is the bet I could do, I'm not proud of this one at all but whatever.
> 
> But yeah, I having some serious issues in my personal life and i need to take a break from everything for a bit, it might be a month or less I don't really know yet. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has supported this series, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. Your comments gave me motivation to continue writing, they mean more to me than you could ever know. 
> 
> I kinda started spewing bullshit during this new but I hope it doesn't disappointed at all, and like i said I'm not proud of it so I won't be surprised if you guys don't like it either.
> 
> Shout-out to my amazing beta reader Nate, he's amazing and I am very thankful to he takes the time out of his day to read through and fix my many grammatical errors, go check him out haven't already, his account is RaspberryNCTea.


End file.
